Better Conversations Listening, Speaking and Being Heard

When two people who care about each other have a row, the cause is rarely a lack of love. It is usually a failure to understand and be understood. The good news is that communication is a set of skills, and like all skills it can be learnt.

Several traps recur. We assume that we know what the other person thinks and feels, and we act on the assumption without checking. We expect others to guess what we need, and feel hurt when they do not. We mix the message with the manner, so that a reasonable request is delivered in a tone that sounds like an attack. We listen while preparing our reply instead of listening to understand. And we raise important issues at the wrong moment, when one person is tired, stressed or distracted.

A further complication is that every message carries two layers: the content, which is what is said, and the relationship message, which is how it feels. A question such as why have you not done the washing up can be heard as a request for information or as an accusation, and it is usually the second that triggers a defensive reply.

Listening is the most valuable and the most neglected communication skill. Active listening means giving someone your full attention and showing that you have understood what they are saying and feeling.

Start with attention. Put down your phone, turn towards the person and make natural eye contact. Do not interrupt, finish their sentences or plan your reply while they are speaking. Silence is allowed, and people often say the most important thing after a pause.

Reflect back what you hear. Summarise in your own words, for example: it sounds as though you felt let down when the plans changed. This checks your understanding, and it shows that you have listened. Ask open questions, such as what was that like for you, and avoid questions that sound like cross-examination.

Acknowledge feelings before offering solutions. Many people want to feel understood more than they want advice. Validation does not mean agreement. You can say that you can see why someone felt hurt without conceding that you were wrong. If you are not sure what someone wants, ask: would it help if I just listened, or would you like my thoughts?

Speaking clearly and kindly is a skill that most people were never taught. A few principles help your message to land as you intend.

Start gently. The relationship researcher John Gottman found that conversations tend to end the way they begin, and a harsh start-up almost always leads to a defensive response. Begin with a calm description of the situation and your own feelings, instead of accusation. Instead of you never help around the house, you might say: I am feeling overwhelmed with the housework and I would like us to share it differently.

Use I-statements. They describe your experience, not the other person's character: when X happens, I feel Y, and I would like Z. Be specific about the behaviour and avoid sweeping words such as always and never, which invite argument. Focus on one issue at a time, rather than listing every grievance.

Choose your moment. Avoid raising a sensitive subject when someone is rushing out of the door, exhausted or in front of others. Asking whether now is a good time, or suggesting a time later, shows respect. Make a clear request. Others cannot meet needs they do not know about, and hints are easy to miss.

Some conversations are difficult because the subject is painful, the stakes are high or the relationship is fragile. Avoiding them rarely helps, since unspoken problems tend to grow. Preparation makes them easier.

Before you begin, clarify what you want. What is your aim? What do you hope will be different afterwards? Consider what the other person might be feeling or thinking, and what might be their side of the story. Decide on the main point you wish to make and the outcome you would like, while accepting that you cannot control the other's response.

Open with something that sets a constructive tone, such as: I would like to talk about something that matters to me, because I care about our relationship. Then describe the issue calmly and listen. Expect emotion, in yourself and others. If tempers rise, suggest a pause. It is better to take a break and return than to say things that cannot be unsaid.

Look for common ground and for what you can both do. Finish by summarising what you have agreed and what will happen next. Not every conversation ends with a resolution, and a good first conversation may simply open the subject. Return to it when you have both had time to reflect.

Much of what we communicate is carried by tone, expression and posture, and understanding this helps in face-to-face conversation and in writing.

You may have heard that 93 per cent of communication is non-verbal. This is a myth, which arose from a misreading of a small set of experiments by Albert Mehrabian about how people interpret inconsistent messages about feelings. Words matter a great deal. But when words and tone conflict, people tend to trust the tone, so it pays to ensure that they match.

In person, notice your own posture and expression. Open, relaxed body language, a calm voice and appropriate eye contact encourage trust. Pay attention to the other person's cues too, such as folded arms, a tight voice or looking away, which may suggest discomfort. Check with a gentle question instead of assuming.

In writing, remember that tone is easily lost. Messages sent in a hurry can read as curt. Re-read important messages before sending, and move a conversation to a call or a meeting if it becomes tense. Avoid sarcasm in text, where it is easily misread.

Communication skills matter most in the ordinary rhythm of daily life, not just in crises. Small, regular habits create a climate in which difficult conversations are easier.

Express appreciation. Notice and say thank you for what people do, large and small. Gottman's research suggests that happy couples maintain a high ratio of positive to negative interactions. Warmth, humour and kindness make it easier to tolerate and resolve the inevitable irritations.

Apologise well. Researchers who have studied apologies have identified several components that matter, including expressing regret, acknowledging responsibility, explaining without excusing, offering to put things right and not repeating the behaviour. A sincere apology does not include the word but, and does not demand forgiveness.

Hold regular check-ins. A short weekly conversation with a partner or family member, perhaps over a drink, in which each person says what is going well, what is difficult and what they need, prevents resentments from building. Keep it light and kind, and make it a habit.