Strong Partnerships What Keeps Couples Close for the Long Term

Why do some couples stay close for decades while others drift apart or break up? Researchers have studied this question for many years, and although no formula guarantees success, several findings recur.

The psychologist John Gottman, who observed thousands of couples over several decades, concluded that the foundation of lasting relationships is friendship. Couples who knew each other's worlds in detail, including worries, hopes and daily preoccupations, who expressed fondness and admiration, and who handled disagreements with respect were more likely to stay together. Commitment matters too: partners who see their relationship as a long-term shared project, and who think in terms of we rather than I, tend to put more into it.

Another important factor is how people respond to each other's attempts at connection. Attachment research, begun by John Bowlby and extended to adults by others, suggests that people differ in how secure they feel in close relationships, with some being anxious about abandonment and others uncomfortable with closeness. These patterns are not fixed, and a secure partner and honest communication can help people to become more secure over time.

Closeness is built less in dramatic moments than in thousands of tiny exchanges. Gottman called these bids for connection: any attempt to get the other person's attention, affection or support.

A bid may be a comment about something you saw on the way home, a sigh, a request for a hug or a question about the weather. The other person can turn towards the bid by responding with interest, turn away by ignoring it, or turn against it by responding with irritation. In one of Gottman's studies, couples who were still together six years later had turned towards each other's bids around 86 per cent of the time, while those who had separated had done so only around a third of the time. The figures come from a small sample, but the principle has been widely supported.

The implication is simple but demanding: notice the bids and respond, even when you are busy or tired. Look up from your phone, answer the question, and share the interest in the story. Small responses accumulate into a feeling of being valued and understood.

Make your own bids more clearly. Instead of hoping that your partner will guess that you need support, say so. Ask for a hug, a conversation or some time together. Being direct about your needs gives your partner the chance to meet them.

Early romance is propelled by novelty and excitement. Over time, routine settles in, which brings comfort but also the risk of boredom. Deliberate effort can keep a relationship feeling alive.

Research on what is called the self-expansion model, developed by Arthur Aron and colleagues, suggests that couples who take part in new and mildly challenging activities together report higher relationship satisfaction. Trying a new walk, a class, a trip or a hobby together creates shared excitement and gives you fresh things to talk about. It does not need to be dramatic or costly.

Protect time for each other. Busy lives, children and work can crowd out couple time, so schedule it. A weekly evening, a regular walk or a monthly outing keeps the relationship in view. During that time, put away devices and aim for conversation and fun, not household administration.

Keep laughing. Humour, shared jokes and playfulness are strongly linked with relationship satisfaction, and they help couples to get through stress. Maintain your own interests and friendships as well. A relationship is richer when each person brings something new to it.

Physical intimacy is an important part of many partnerships, and it is also a subject that many couples find difficult to discuss. Silence, however, tends to allow problems to grow.

Differences in desire between partners are very common, and they do not mean that there is something wrong with either person. Desire fluctuates with stress, tiredness, health, medication, hormones, mood, the state of the relationship and life events such as childbirth. Many people find that desire does not always arrive spontaneously and instead builds in response to closeness and affection.

Talk about it at a time when you are both relaxed, not in the bedroom after a rejection. Begin with warmth, describe your own feelings and needs without blaming, and ask your partner what they need. Sensitive, regular conversation is more helpful than avoiding the subject. Affection that does not always lead to sex, such as cuddling, kissing and touch, is valuable in itself.

If difficulties persist, help is available. Your GP can check for physical or medication-related causes, and psychosexual therapy is offered through some NHS services and through organisations such as Relate. Look for therapists registered with a recognised body such as COSRT.

Many couples find that the biggest strains come not from dramatic events but from the ordinary friction of shared life: who does what, who pays for what and who notices that something needs doing.

Money is a frequent source of tension, because it touches on security, freedom, values and power. Talk openly about earnings, debts, spending habits and goals. Decide together how to handle household finances, whether through a joint account, separate accounts or a mixture, and agree on how to make larger decisions. Honesty is essential, since hidden spending or debt can seriously damage trust. If you are worried about debt, free advice is available from services such as Citizens Advice and StepChange.

Household work is another common flashpoint. Data from the Office for National Statistics have consistently shown that, on average, women do more unpaid work than men, including housework and childcare. Resentment often arises not only from the tasks but from the mental load, the invisible work of noticing, planning and remembering. Discuss what needs to be done, share the planning as well as the doing, and revisit the balance regularly as circumstances change.

Aim for a sense of fairness, rather than exact equality. What matters is that each person feels that the arrangement is reasonable and that their contribution is recognised.

Every long relationship passes through transitions that test it. Knowing that they are normal, and planning for them, helps couples to get through.

The arrival of a first child is one of the best-documented examples. Studies of couples have found that relationship satisfaction on average falls after the birth of a baby, as sleep, time and energy disappear. Couples who manage best tend to share the load, keep communicating, protect small amounts of time together and accept that this phase will pass. Postnatal depression affects some mothers and some fathers, and should be raised with a GP or health visitor.

Other transitions bring their own pressures: job loss, moving house, illness, caring for parents, children leaving home and retirement. When one partner becomes ill or disabled, roles may shift and both may need support. Retirement can bring a sudden increase in time together, which some couples find welcome and others find difficult, and it helps to discuss in advance how you hope to spend your time.

In all of these, communicate openly, express appreciation and seek help early. Relate and other counsellors work with couples at every stage, and many find that a few sessions help them to get through a hard time. Seeking help is a sign of commitment to the relationship.