Resolving Conflict Disagreeing Without Damaging the Relationship

Many people believe that happy relationships are free of arguments, and that conflict is a sign of something wrong. Decades of research on couples and families suggest otherwise. Disagreement is inevitable whenever two people with different needs, backgrounds and habits share a life.

The psychologist John Gottman, who studied thousands of couples, found that the amount of conflict was not what separated lasting from failing relationships. What mattered was how people conflicted. Couples who stayed together tended to raise issues gently, to repair after tension and to maintain a lot of warmth and positive interaction around the disagreements. Those whose relationships broke down were more likely to criticise, show contempt and shut down.

Gottman also found that a large share of couples' disagreements, roughly two-thirds in his research, were perpetual problems, rooted in differences of personality or values that would not go away. Successful couples did not solve these problems. They learnt to discuss them with humour, respect and acceptance, and to live with them.

Gottman identified four patterns of behaviour in conflict that were especially corrosive, which he called the four horsemen. Learning to spot them in yourself is one of the most useful steps you can take.

The first is criticism, which attacks a person's character instead of a specific behaviour: you are so selfish, as opposed to I felt hurt when you did not call. The antidote is to raise a complaint gently, using I-statements and describing the situation. The second is contempt, which includes sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling and name-calling. It is the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown in his work. The antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and respect, noticing what is good.

The third is defensiveness, which means making excuses, counter-attacking or playing the victim. It seems protective but it blames the other person. The antidote is to take responsibility, even for a small part of the problem. The fourth is stonewalling, in which a person withdraws, goes silent or turns away. It often occurs when someone is overwhelmed. The antidote is to take a break and soothe yourself, then return.

In an argument, the body reacts as if to a threat. Heart rate rises, breathing quickens and the capacity for listening, empathy and creative thinking drops. This state, which Gottman called flooding, makes constructive conversation almost impossible.

Learn to recognise the signs in yourself: a pounding heart, tight chest, heat in the face, a sense of wanting to either shout or leave. Gottman found that when heart rates rise above roughly 100 beats per minute, people struggle to take in what is being said. Continuing to argue in that state tends to make matters worse.

The solution is to take a break. Agree in advance that either of you can call a pause, say that you need a break, and say when you will return. Stay apart for at least 20 minutes, which is how long it can take the body to settle, and do something that calms you, such as walking, listening to music or slow breathing, instead of replaying the argument in your head. Then come back to the conversation, as you promised.

A pause is not the same as stonewalling. The difference is that you say that you need a break, you say when you will return and you do return. This reassures the other person that you are not abandoning the discussion.

When you are both calm, a structured approach helps you to move from conflict towards resolution.

Start with a soft start-up. State the issue gently, describing your feelings and what you need. Take turns to speak and to listen, with the listener summarising what they have heard before responding. Resist the urge to correct or defend. The aim at this stage is to understand each other, not to win.

Look for the needs and the stories behind the positions. An argument about who does the washing up may really be about feeling unappreciated. Ask what matters most to each person. Once you understand the underlying needs, brainstorm solutions together and look for compromises that respect both. Agree on something specific, and set a time to review how it is working.

Keep the positive balance. Gottman suggested that stable relationships have about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Humour, affection, an acknowledgement of the other's point of view and a statement that you are on the same side all count. These small gestures keep the discussion safe.

What happens after an argument matters as much as the argument itself. Repair is the process by which people reconnect and restore trust.

Repair attempts can be small: a touch, a joke, an apology, a cup of tea. Gottman found that successful couples make repair attempts frequently, and that their partners accept them. Practise accepting repair attempts, even when you are still annoyed, because rejecting them prolongs the conflict.

When you have hurt someone, apologise sincerely. Acknowledge what you did, take responsibility, express regret and say what you will do differently. When you have been hurt, you can express how it affected you and what you need in order to move on. Forgiveness is a process, and it does not require forgetting or excusing the behaviour. It can mean letting go of the wish for revenge so that the relationship can recover.

Some hurts are deep, such as betrayal or repeated breaches of trust. Repair may take time, honesty and often professional support. Do not rush it.

Some disagreements are never fully resolved because they arise from fundamental differences. The aim then is not to change the other person but to understand and accept them, and to manage the problem together.

Talk about the dreams and values behind a perpetual issue. A recurring argument about money, for example, may reflect different attitudes to security and freedom. When you understand the meaning of the issue to each person, it becomes easier to be gentle and to find workable compromises. Accept that some differences will remain, and choose to focus on what you appreciate.

Seek help if you are stuck in a pattern, if arguments are frequent and bitter, or if you find that you are avoiding each other. Relate offers relationship counselling in the UK, and counsellors accredited by organisations such as BACP and UKCP can also help. For disputes in families and separations, mediation can help people to reach agreements without court. Seeking help early is more effective than waiting until a relationship is in crisis.