Connecting in a Digital World Using Technology to Bring People Closer, Not Further Apart

Few subjects attract as much anxiety as the effect of technology on relationships. Headlines announce that social media is making us miserable, while enthusiasts insist that it is bringing the world together. The truth, as is often the case, is more complicated and more useful.

Research has found that the average association between overall screen or social media use and wellbeing is small. A large analysis published by Amy Orben and Andrew Przybylski in 2019, for example, found that technology use explained only a very small fraction of the differences in adolescent wellbeing. That does not mean that nothing matters. Averages can hide large differences between individuals and between types of use, and some people are clearly affected much more than others.

What seems to matter is how technology is used, what it replaces and how a person feels afterwards. Staying in touch with distant family and friends, finding communities of shared interest and supporting one another through difficult times are real benefits. On the other side, constant comparison, interrupted conversations, late-night scrolling and online conflict can damage mood, sleep and relationships.

Two people can spend an hour on the same platform and have very different experiences. One has been talking with friends and sharing news. The other has been scrolling through other people's lives. Researchers have found that this difference matters.

Studies suggest that active use, such as messaging, commenting and sharing with people you know, tends to be associated with better feelings of connection and wellbeing. Passive use, which means scrolling and observing without interacting, has been associated in several studies with feeling worse, partly because it invites social comparison. We compare our everyday reality with other people's carefully chosen highlights, and we usually come off worse.

The evidence is not uniform, and effects differ between people, but the practical message is consistent: use online platforms to connect, not to compare. Send a message, reply to a friend's post with a personal comment, or arrange to meet. Unfollow or mute accounts that make you feel inadequate, and follow those that inform, entertain or inspire you.

Pay attention to the content as well as the activity. News and conflict-heavy feeds can raise anxiety and anger. A feed filled with people and topics you care about, and with contact from people you know, is more likely to enrich you.

Digital communication strips away much of the information that we depend on in conversation: tone of voice, facial expression and body language. This is why messages are so easily misread.

Research on email by Justin Kruger and colleagues found that people tend to overestimate how well their tone comes across: writers believe their sarcasm or seriousness is clear, but recipients often miss it. Brief messages can seem curt, and a missing emoji can look like coldness. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and when in doubt, ask rather than assume.

Choose the medium to suit the message. Text is good for logistics and quick check-ins. Voice notes and calls convey warmth and nuance. Video helps when seeing someone's face matters. Sensitive, emotional or complicated conversations are best held by voice or in person, not through a stream of messages, and conflict by text often escalates. If you notice a discussion heating up, suggest a call.

Write kindly. Before sending a message in anger, wait. Use clear, specific language, and read it through as the recipient might. Some people find video calls draining, an effect sometimes called video fatigue, so vary the format and allow breaks.

Phones are designed to attract attention, and they do so very effectively. The cost of constant availability is often paid by the people in front of us.

Researchers use the term phubbing, from phone and snubbing, for ignoring someone in favour of a phone. Studies have associated frequent phubbing by a partner with lower relationship satisfaction and with feeling less close. Even the mere presence of a phone during a conversation has been found in some experiments to reduce the sense of connection and the depth of what people discuss, although the findings are not entirely consistent.

Set simple, shared rules. Keep phones out of sight at meals. Agree on device-free times at home, such as the first hour after coming through the door. Turn off non-essential notifications, so that your attention is yours. Charge phones outside the bedroom to protect sleep and intimacy. These rules work best when everyone, including adults, follows them, since children copy what they see.

Be kind about it. If you need to check your phone, say why. If someone else is distracted, express how you feel without accusation, for example: I miss having your attention when we are eating. Most people want to be present and are grateful to be reminded.

For many people, online communities are a lifeline. They connect people with rare conditions, unusual interests, caring responsibilities, minority identities or distance from family. They can be supportive, funny and deeply meaningful.

Choose communities with clear rules, active moderation and a respectful tone. Notice how you feel after taking part, and leave spaces that leave you angrier or more anxious. Be thoughtful about the personal information you share, particularly your address, workplace and financial details. Remember that people online may not be who they say they are.

Be alert to scams, especially romance and friendship fraud. Warning signs include someone who declares strong feelings quickly, avoids meeting or video calls, has a series of emergencies and asks for money, gift cards or bank details. Never send money to someone you have not met in person. If you think you have been targeted, stop contact, tell your bank at once and report it to the police. Do not be embarrassed. These crimes are sophisticated and many intelligent people are caught.

The Online Safety Act 2023 places duties on online platforms to protect users from illegal content and to protect children from harmful material, and the regulator Ofcom oversees it. Use the reporting and blocking tools that platforms provide, and talk to someone you trust if you experience harassment or abuse.

The best online connections often become even better in person. Moving from screen to real life needs a little care, but it can deepen a relationship that began in a chat room or a group.

When you decide to meet someone you know only online, take sensible precautions. Have a video call first, so that you can check that the person is who they say they are. Meet in a public place, in daylight, tell a friend where you are going and who you are meeting, arrange your own transport and keep your phone charged. Trust your instincts and leave if you feel uncomfortable. Group meetings through online communities, such as local meet-ups, are usually a safer first step.

Aim for a balance between online and offline contact. Use technology to support friendships that also have a physical life, to coordinate meetings and to keep in touch between them. If you find that most of your social contact is on a screen, and you wish it were otherwise, treat that as useful information and look for ways to meet people in person.

Remember what technology cannot do. A message cannot hug you, a video call cannot share a meal, and an online community cannot bring you soup when you are ill. Use tools to extend relationships, but invest also in the physical presence that nothing else replaces.